Let’s stop pretending this is complicated.
After 24 years of marriage, I found out my husband was on dating sites.
Not once. Not out of curiosity.
For over a year.
Messaging. Texting. Emailing women in their 30s.
While still married to me.
While still coming home.
While still living in the life we built.
And when I found out?
He didn’t lie.
He said he was unhappy.
He said I wasn’t doing enough.
That’s the explanation.
And I’ve gone over that more times than I can count.
Not just what he did—but what he said about why.
Because that part sticks.
What exactly wasn’t I doing?
What was I supposed to be doing that would’ve stopped this?
At what point did I become someone he could step outside of… and still justify it?
Because that’s what this is, right?
A justification.
You don’t just wake up one day, after two decades, and start building connections with other women unless you’ve already made it make sense in your head.
So I’ve asked myself all of it.
Was I not paying enough attention?
Not affectionate enough?
Too tired? Too distracted? Too comfortable?
Did I miss something?
Ignore something?
Become something he didn’t want anymore without realizing it?
Because when someone says “I’m unhappy” while they’re already halfway invested somewhere else… it doesn’t land like honesty.
It lands like a reason.
A reason that somehow makes what they did feel more acceptable.
More explainable.
Less like a choice.
But it was a choice.
A year of choices.
A year of logging in.
A year of replying.
A year of continuing.
And that’s the part that doesn’t sit right, no matter how many times I turn it over.
Because if you’re unhappy—say that.
If something’s missing—say that.
But don’t quietly start replacing parts of your marriage… and then hand me a list of what I wasn’t doing like that’s what caused it.
That’s the part that doesn’t line up.
Because now I’m left sitting here wondering—
Was I actually not enough?
Or did you just decide I wasn’t… after you found something that felt easier?
And those are two very different things.
But when you’re the one on this side of it…
they don’t feel different at all.
They feel exactly the same.
Just saying…
Tabby